Now we have no way of verifying whether what you’re about to read is 100 per cent true, however Reddit user delta_jesus spins a convincing yarn that we damn well hope is true.

The story goes:
“In may 2017 I paid cash for a 2013 Toyota Land Cruiser (LC) with less than 15,000 miles [on the clock]. I found the LC on an online car dealer's website …. Now, the website looks great and it's very easy to search for a vehicle. They make some nice promises about finding high quality cars, doing multiple inspections, and sending them through a state of the art refurbishment facility. But really, I bought the car because they have a seven day money back guarantee.”

“I took delivery of the car on a seemingly normal Tuesday afternoon and I immediately knew I was going to return the car as soon as it was off the truck. There was a broken headlight, some scrapes down the side etc. So I called them up, told them what I saw and requested we start the return process. That evening I drove it around with my pregnant wife and two year old daughter. We didn't drive for long because the brakes were squealing and I had a bad feeling.

“The next day I took the car to my mechanic. The car is beautiful and part of me wanted to find a way to make it work. He called me over to look at the car after about five minutes. The car had been in a rear end collision and there was some overspray on the undercarriage. He then showed me why the brakes were squealing — there were no rear brake pads. Let me repeat that. There were no rear brake pads.

“I started digging ... Here comes the weird part of the story. I found this owner's manual in the glove box … Initially, I couldn't find anything about this [GENGA] guy. It turns out his name isn't 'GENGA'. No, his name is General Gabriel Atondo Kpamber, Major General to be exact in the Nigerian army. 

This Guardian article indicates that General Kpamber made quite a lot of money selling conflict diamonds during the Sierra Leone civil war. As if that wasn't enough, I found that this god damn Land Cruiser was imported back from Nigeria in Feb, 2017. At least according to the bill of lading. 

“So here I am, trying to get my $57,295.09 back from an online dealer that sold me a used [and damaged] Nigerian General's car. Ok so he isn't a Nigerian warlord, per se, but pretty damn close if you ask me.”

“Unfortunately, I did not find any diamonds in the seat cushions.”

 

Jaden Martin

The young-gun around the office, Jaden grew up inhaling paint fumes and bog dust at his old man's panel shop. Qualified to bend words, with a 'brofessional' diploma in car building, he's been trying to finish his frankenstein creation of Australian-based debauchery crammed with Japanese- and Euro-inspired goodness. You'll find him writing for NZ Performance Car and producing content online.

Instagram — @jaden_nzpcmagazine

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